I know, I know "Stay in your lane" and all that, but by god can I not shake the absolute train wreck that was 'Rebel Moon' from my mind even if I try! A genuine disaster piece of modern cinema wasting untold millions of development funds into a boring, uncreative exercise in futility that served only to show further that Zack Snyder might not be so much a film artist as he is an artist of confidence. But I can't get it out of my head. Why? Not because of it's underlying passion or deep-seated quality: but because with everything the film had going for it there should have been more. I don't know if I'd even go so far as to say that the film had potential but it had soil. There was a foundation. And somewhere between the crew setting up shop and the cameras rolling- that seemed to rot and crumble into a sinking ship that no one could save.
Would you believe me if I told you that Rebel Moon has lore? Oh yeah, just like all of us incessant writers out here Zack went out of his way to try and flesh out a whole universe within which his series would consist, and beyond that being adorable it shows a drive too. I genuinely think the lore about the hearts of these void-ship looking travel barges being enslaved gods from another realm is awesome. Genuinely. And do you know what that might have assisted with? Making the world feel worth exploring. You know, if they spent any actual time divulging this information anywhere other than the bloody Rebel Moon Wikipedia page! Lore is merely idle thoughts until it makes it into the product in some way shape or form, which makes all the best parts of the Rebel Moon universe utterly ephemeral!
And then there are the very clear inspirations for the film which, genuinely, feel like stable building blocks to create something special. Star Wars is a little played out right now and trapped within its own confines, so taking some aspect of what they made and running with it is a really good idea. Space magic, prophecy, it all sounds great. But then Rebel Moon decides to play coywith itself. It won't even teaseat it's supposed fantastical elements, refusing to spark any imagination whatsoever. What about the clear Warhammer parallels? Do they lead to something? Is there a dogmatic religion of worship based around the ruler of this world? And if so, why don't I know that after two movies?
Which reminds me- how much do you think they spent on the cast? These are good actors, everywhere you have a solid name or an attention stealing face. Or rather, they wouldbe good actors that steal scenes if they were given material that could anything but clean latrines with. I know that Zack is under the erroneous belief that he is a good writer as well as a visual director, but I think if anything should be a wakeup-up call it's hiring Anthony Hopkins and wasting him on a CGI murder robot that barely speaks. Not even onecontemplative speech on the nature of existence given it's charm by Hopkins' delightfully dulcet tones? Was that beyond you, Zack? Or were you just vying for more time to squeeze in slow-mo farming?
Now if we were to instead make this a Warhammer movie, think of everything we could have introduced to the film watching audience! Showing a truly dark fantasy sci-fi world would not only shake expectations but compete with the likes of Dune for vibe. Extolling a maximalist wet-dream of intergalactic imperialism would similarly slide neatly into Zack's talents as a stunning visual compositor, and I think the sheer brutality of a world hewn from that canon would neatly align with Snyder's own creative vices. Heck, Rebel Moon already feelslike it's trying to drum up it's own diet version of the heretically devout Imperium of Man and their ever swallowing war machine. The only sacrifice would be such- the story of men standing up to the system would have to- ultimately- result in the crushing of the human spirit. Which in my mind would make a more interesting and engaging film already.
Now, let's instead imagine this as a Star Wars film. Horrible as that thought might be. Well that might actually solve some of these movies painful bloat problems. Afterall, Zack gets stuck up trying desperately to introduce this world and it's characters to use- whereas Star Wars borrows such simple to understand societal constructs that setting is almost never needed to be explained. Star Wars also comes with an inbuilt wreath of morality which serves as a clutch for intelligent debate that could have forgone some of the more overt and eye-rolling villainy that Zack had to force out of characters to ensure they were the bad guys. Simply make them Sith and all this could have been avoided. Honestly, I don't think this idea would have made for a good Star Wars movie either. Not unless there was an actual sentient Moon or something- that would slap!
And what else? Hmm... well perhaps this could have been a Seven Samurai movie. You know, like the actual inspiration for the entire story was supposed to be? A story about Seven heroes from various walks of life, most of which were washed up in some fashion, looking for a modal of redemption coming together to ultimately do good for the sake of themselves as much as the embattled town. It's a pretty character driven tale with looming purpose underlying it. Rebel Moon kind of failed to create any characters. And driving purpose. Even the villain had confusing motivations that were kind of undermined by the fact he could have just popped home to stock up on food- I assumed they couldn't make the trip but apparently they absolutely could have the entire time. Oh, and then there's the fact that they don't even manage to amass 'Seven' heroes for the final fight. Wonderful.
Rebel Moon was a trite, boring, uncreative, overfunded, overbloated, emotionless, charisma deprived, disgrace to science fiction. But by god was it entertainingly bad. In a manner I just simply know won't be fixed by the six hour supercut with all the gore and sex added back in like Synder has promised us. In fact, I'm so excited to see how even moreover indulgent and dull the movie can get without an upper limit on run time! (I still remember the five minute walking montage for Justice League- my expectations are rock bottom.) At the end of the day the lesson should be thus: Stop giving Zack Snyder the chance to prove himself a fool- he's too good at it!
